Not long ago I came out as transgender on national TV. I shared this a bit on my story - mostly on close friends because I was scared of the reactions. You see, I spent 5 years living in Awabakal/Newcastle, NSW, and if you've lived there as a transgender person you know exactly the feature of this town that instills this fear in me - abhorrent TERF behaviour. If you've never heard of a TERF, it means Trans Exclusive Radical Feminist. It's exactly what it sounds like - a feminist who is open and convicted in their beliefs while using oppressive social tools to exclude transgender people from the context of feminism, or from their specific plight and social circle.
I remember the first time I came out to a feminist as non-binary, and I remember going back in the closet immediately. It was a wom*n in the local music and feminist scene, and I felt really confident I would be validated by this person as they regularly talked about not fitting the conventional social standard of how women should present themselves. But it seems I made the fatal mistake of being individual in the wrong way - transgender. I told this person whom I felt close to that I identified as non-binary and would really like to be called they/them. Their response was a huge and unexpected blow: "Hmm but you wear makeup and dresses so my brain just sees you as a girl, so I'm just going to keep you as a woman in my mind". I had no idea what to say. So I just did what most of us do the first time we hear a comment like that - I simply said "okay" and didn't bring it up again in an open conversation. For years.
Fast forward a few years later, and I'm living in Naarm living my little genderfuck life. I'd go to drag shows, started dressing in drag myself, changing up my style to more masc, and setting more boundaries around female socialising that I hadn't had for myself (things like not masking, not doing activities I don't like that women connect over, and even sometimes not drinking alcohol around cis women because I completely forget how to mask and certain cis women want you to present cis for their own ego). I had been building up my confidence and was finally ready to come out as trans. I was at a party with someone I had befriended in Awabakal and like so many of us bored in smaller townsΒ they had moved to Naarm, where the party was. I told them I wanted a dick so badly it made me cry some days, and they just kept telling me that they agreed they want a dick and it would be so fun. I wasn't sure if they were saying they identified the same way that I do or was misreading what I was saying. Eventually I came out with it - "No, I'm trans. I want a dick because I wish I was a man." And then the soul-crushing response came. The friend looked around at who was close, looked back at me with embarrassment in their eyes and said "Shh, someone might hear." I never thought a close friend would do this to me once, let alone twice. I started to wonder, is it me, or is it that town?
Instead of withdrawing this time, I went the opposite route. I went on an episode of Insight on SBS to come out formally and to talk about how I identified on the gender spectrum and how that identity has impacted my relationships. I was beyond nervous for this to air, even hesitant to tell anyone online I did it. But I know deep down that a big part of my life's mission - whether I decided it for myself this lifetime or it's been my destiny for many lifetimes - is to share the raw, honest, vulnerable parts of me with the world so that others can see it's not so dangerous after all. When it aired, I was expecting more questions about my body and identity. But the one I received the most was more heartwarming and validating than any of the ones I was dreading. 95% of people have asked the same question: "Have I ever referred to or treated your gender in a way that's offensive? If I have, I'm really sorry." I weep tears of joy every time I think of it, but I also feel a bit guilty knowing that my loved ones may feel anxiety about how to treat me now. So I've put together a list of the specifics people have asked about, and some of the questions I know you want to ask but understand aren't valid for you to ask or know.
"What pronouns do you use?"
Any! But I prefer they/them. While I identify as transgender, I have also really loved most aspects of being a woman and don't intend to shy away from them. So I have never been offended by pronouns used towards me. It also means that sometimes I misgender the people around me because I am projecting. Please don't be like me! Be mindful to ask and respect people's pronouns. My personal feelings are not a fact you can carry on to others.
"Are you trans or non-binary?"
Honestly, I connect to both labels, but generally refer to myself as trans. I identify in my personality as a man, and if I had to choose one it would be that. But I've lived my life seen mostly as a woman, and socialising and expressing as such as well, so I feel absolutely no disdain towards my femininity/connections with women that cis men can't form. For this reason, I don't mind if I'm referred to as non-binary. If you're getting confused by me switching between terms for myself, either take that as a note that I identify with both or as a prompt to ask.
"Why do you sometimes call yourself as woman?"
From my perspective, in terms of biology/some sociological contexts, I am undeniably a woman. I get my period, female reproductive issues, and I suffer the same types of oppression and abuse as cisgender women (statistically and from my own anecdotal evidence, genderqueer femmes experience these things are much higher rates). I would like to be included in the context of these conversations for my health and wellbeing. I would never expect that another transgender person feels this way. Dysphoria around language is very real and should be respected.
"Do you want to medically transition?"
No. That may change, but I'm fairly sure it won't. This is where I feel the most privileged in my identity. I feel almost completely neutral about my body, negating my health issues. I know if I had a dick it wouldn't be mine, and it would be such an expensive process for something I don't feel drawn towards doing. yes, I would have loved to be born anatomically male. I really don't connect to myΒ reproductive features in any way. But the best way I can describe it as Fred stuck in Daphne's body in The Scooby Doo Movie - it doesn't feel like me, but I really like being in here. For very different reasons, though - yeah I quite like how it looks but mostly because all the experiences I've had, I couldn't have done without this body.
"Are you gladΒ this place has gender neutral bathrooms?"
I am pretty much never glad about this unless there's other options I can use, like single cubicle rooms or gendered toilets. Transgender people haven't proven to be the problem -Β but cisgendered men are often theΒ most likely to uphold patriarchal standards, especially in a violent or confrontational way. I feel like I'm being punished for asking for inclusion by being forced to use the private bathrooms with cisgendered men. There are no cameras, windows or staff in those toilets. Half the time I wash my hands for half a second because there's one standing there staring at my boobs, so intoxicated he isn't even aware. I've had men actively wait in cubicles with the door unlocked with their little willies in their hand while I come in, and some even question me about my toilet use in there?? It feels like another band-aid solution that is made to avoid the fact that we need to address the behaviours we're seeing from inside the patriarchy, and stop any patterns of transphobia at their source. I may be alone in this opinion, but I just think it's only one step in a process that is seen as done for a lot of "queer-friendly" business owners.
I feel like as far as the trans experience goes, I've been incredibly privileged both in how I connect to my body and how my gender expression has been received by the people I truly hold dear. Half a dozen members of my family messaged me to say they saw me on SBS and were so proud and touched by the way I spoke about myself. It's been an honour and a joy to share myself with all of you, and I'm so happy to be able to have the space to write this and express it some more. I hope that people reading this also feel confidence in being an individual and complex person, and that eventually we all feel confident enough in our own identities to exist in many contexts, communities and expressions throughout our lives. Complexity is human nature.
Β
If you are exploring your gender identity and want some physical or online resources to help you understand yourself more, I've included some links to pages and services. Don't forget that as much as our own experiences help us grow, we require connection to help us understand how we fit into the world.
HEADSPACEΒ
Many Headspace centres have youth groups where you can meet with similar people and grow and learn together. I have both used Headspace as a personal service, and raised money for youth trans groups who I met with. I was especially impressed with how much autonomy and respect genderqueer children were given here.
GENDERQUEER CELEBRITIESΒ
Sam Smith
GottmikΒ
Laverne Cox
G Flip
Zaya Wade
Leyna Bloom
ACON
ACON is an allied health service aimed at helping LGBTQIA+ people maintain good health and wellbeing. This page has a list of services, information, programs etc. aimed at transgender people. Transgender and non-binary people are statistically more likely to suffer mental health and therefore physical health issues than their gender-conforming counterparts.
DRAG RACE - Season 14
If you watch Drag Race and have only found a few transgender or non-binary contestant so far, you haven't seen season 14 yet. Not only are there transgender women who have been out and transitioned for years, we even see some of the people explore and express their own journey with being transgender as well. Due to this, the discussions around the gender spectrum on this episode are open and free of any judgement,