Unfortunately many of us know the feeling all too well. You wake up naive, go on instagram, and suddenly there's half a dozen photos and posts celebrating what a good father someone has in their life. You put the phone down, and resolve to get through the day. It's how I imagine a fair few people feel on Valentine's Day - being reminded of something they don't have. My reactions to Father's Day have varied over the years, with the previous few making me very withdrawn. I thought maybe this was my new pattern, but this year I feel almost entirely indifferent towards the day of celebration. And what's even more impressive - I can pinpoint moments in my career and personal life in the last year that have lead to this point.
The most obvious and ongoing point of impact has been realising how similar I am to my dad. He passed when I was 8, but even before that we barely had much in common. My interest in sports was more social and feelings-based than practical, I felt the needΒ to dress up for everything, and I hated meeting new people. But as I follow my intuition in my life and openly talk about my father with members of my family, I realise that my passions and his must have been really aligned. I studied at university for 5 years and spent 2 years in the field before realising I just wasn't fulfilled by working in a structured, professional environment. Earlier this year when I was struggling with money, I learned more about how my dad started university but dropped out because he wanted to be self-employed. Specifically, he ran a sportswear company. This perspective and the conversations around it helped me see that the things I feel passionate about come from my ancestors and exist much deeper than mere social conditioning. But it also helped me to realise that regular restructuring of the way I approach my business will help me find the most successful outcome for me and my loved ones.
Modelling has lead me to some great realisations about my role in the world as aΒ daughter and also as a genderqueerΒ person. It was such a fantastic way for me to explore the fashion industry; to dip my toes in the pool of a creative industry without taking an uneducated risk. But overall, the biggest opportunity I've experienced through my modelling was sort of unrelated. Through avenues that I often find modelling and volunteer jobs via, I saw a call out for an episode of Insight (a show on SBS I already knew well). The episode was called 'The Gender Spectrum', calling for participants who live in the non-binary space to share their experiences. At first I told myself this opportunity wasn't for me because I don't "look very queer" and I am quite feminine in my style. I've previously taken this value approach to how much I express my gender in my brand. But going on television and expressing myself in such a genuine and concise way kickstarted a relationship with the masculine side of me I didn't see coming. By looking at the ways I see myself as masculine and feminine, and how my views of masculinity have shaped my choices in career, friends and partners, I began unlearning the subconscious perspectives I've held onto unknowingly. Looking at how I viewed the dynamics of relationships as a cultural fact, how the other girls at school seemed put off by interests of mine that my dad sharedΒ like golf. . . the list is way too extensive to list!
An unprecedented stimuli for this healing was actually physical activity. Earlier in the year I was feeling lonely and isolated. The people around me were recovering from lockdown in terms of social energy, but my got bad and the circumstances of my life didn't force me to reintegrate like it did with most others. So, for lack of another coping mechanism, I started working out daily again. The gym seemed too expensive right now, so I decided to trial a day at the pool swimming laps. This was a sport my dad and I did a lot when I was younger, and I played a lot of water polo as well, so the nostalgia was motivating as hell. Like many of us tend to do, I went waaaay too hard and burnt myself out. But now not only do I integrate regular swimming and yoga into my daily life in a healthy way, but I'm also leaning more towards sportswear for upcoming drops. When I actively take steps to achieve this goal of wanting to produce sports attire, I feel so aligned with my father than any feelings of being estranged are null. It feels like he's in the room watching me succeed, and all he wants is for me to find more success.
I now understand the wisdom of keeping our loved ones alive in this world through being our genuine selves; by letting the ways they impacted us shine through. Maybe by writing this I can support you in doing the same thing. Happy Father's Day!