I want to preface this post with a few points:
- This isn't about my feelings towards women, just how socialising in female-dominant spaces and some personal relationships trigger me, and trigger how I seeย myself in the community
- While I identify as closer to masc on the gender spectrum, I don't desire to transition or change my expression. For that reason I may occasionally refer to being a "woman" or "girl" for the sake of biological identity.
Most of the time that I discuss my gender identity, especially with mental- or physical health professionals, I'm questioned on how I think it affects my relationship with men. To be honest, I don't even think about how it relates to them too often. Yeah, I get dysphoria when males I see as my peers suddenly reveal they see me as a woman to be conquered, but in general the dysphoria largely comes from women in group situations.
The idea of the woman vs. woman competition is the most perplexing and intriguing to me. It's not too common, but of course nothing I've ever experienced with men. It's always the same pattern - I meet a woman, I find interacting with her uplifting and exciting (as I do with most people) so I think we're bonding, she starts saying things about my expression and personality that make me feel uncomfortable like a little child getting in trouble, I push that down because those feelings within me are confusing, and finally I withdraw. Sometimes my friends will ask why a certain woman is being so mean to me, and I always say oh I wasn't sure if that was happening, to which I'm always assured "You trigger other women by being so genuine and confident." I've spent years attempting to figure out just what I'm doing that's so different, and why it upsets some people so much. Even as a transgender person, I'd still always consider myself non-binary because I have so many female-centric experiences, perspectives and an understanding community, so it really hurts to feel rejected by that community. Even writing this, I'm wondering what language I should change to not make anyone reading it get triggered and use it as a point of gossip amongst groups. I understand it's all about projection and a bit of internalised misogyny (based on a binary assumption of my gender identity), but it's just something I'll never understand as someone who doesn'tย even identify as a woman (except for biologically). Whatever the prize is, you can all just go ahead and claim it :)
I would say that dating has been the most off putting aspect of my life in terms of my relationship with women. I definitely preference masc people (much to people's surprise the manlier the better), but like so many of us I really prioritise a compatible personality above all else. I have gone on dates with women and had talking phases, but rarely progress to an intimate relationship. It's because I understand that partners help you grow, as well as they have space to air their opinions about the way your expression affects them. I'm so scared of being moulded into a woman, and I find the closer I get to most women the more I feel like it's happening. It's not a conscious choice, just like men don't consciously give me the space to exist as myself - it's just all they've ever known. If you and everyone that has similar experiences in the world to you socialise in a certain way, you're going to expect that anyone in that community who acts differently is experiencing a deficit. My womenย friends often make a lot of implications about my mental health and self awareness when I show a trait or opinion that's out of the norm. If simply friends feel so comfortable making me feel inadequate regularly, I can't imagine how an intensely intimate relationship with a woman would feel. Never say never, but so far I've been far more comfortable dating men.
The point of women making me feel like my personality are traits that need to be assessed and outgrown is something I've regrettably let slide in my relationships. From my years in school, I have a pretty full on set of anxieties about being intellectually "dominating" to people, especially girls. Sometimes I would be directly told by adults not to answer questions or share too much knowledgeย to preventย social isolation, and sometimes I would just learn by sharing what I thought was a relatable fact only to be told why it was stupid by other girls. Now I'm so ingrained in that pattern that when I express a feeling and a woman immediately psychoanalyses me, I nod along and say "hmm, maybe you're right, Maybe not. Something to consider". When what I'm actually thinking is a little closer to "Um, you've never been to therapy and I've been going for 20 years whenever I have a major life event. I literally know so much about psychology, I'm constantly self-reflecting. and I spend every second with myself?? That was embarrassing for you." Just like with most things in life, I'm striving for a balance ofย those two reactions - one self-deprecating, one so eager for respect it's pure defensiveness. I feel much more at peace sharing with men as they truly don't ever have much to say back, but I'm eager to find a place of careful equilibrium so I can feel confident in all spaces. Because just like I'd tell anyone else, I know it's my right to exist as the person that I am without backlash or ridicule.
Coming back to the title of the post, dressing feminine has seemed to cause a bit of frustration and confusion amongst cisgender women. For the most part this isn't an issue - millennials and gen z generally accept clothing is clothing and it inherently lacks gender. It's when I actively talk about identifying as masc but not wanting to transition or change how I dress that some women seem to become irate. I've been told directly to my face by a feminist, punk woman "Well you wear dresses and makeup so my brain would just find it to confusing, so I'm going to keep referring to you as a girl." Whenever I speak to any middle-aged woman outside of my family about my expression and identity not matching, I receive the rudest "Right. . . That's interesting." This is actually something I don't need to unpack. Just like an old man can't understand the newest version of an iPhone,ย many women can't understand howย I can look like I fit in and regularly receive the societal benefits of being ultra-feminine but still "reject" that identity. Situations that aren't black and white can be really confronting for most people if it's something that you've never had to question in your own life.
I understand it can be confusing when someone who looks so feminine, doesn't want to change their body and doesn't shy away from their feminine interests wants to identify and socialise as "other" to you. Amid all my confusion, I understand no one is particularly trying to be malicious (narcissists aside, of course). I also understand that no one owes me anything, and if I went through the rest of my life having these interactions it's something I'd accept. I love who I am and I'll stand strong in that until the day I die. I hope by sharing my feelings about socialising "as" a woman you can understand the small nuances inย feminine people on the spectrum feel masc and how we explore our place in the outer world through out inner feelings.