This isn’t a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely so curious as to why they seem really triggered by transgender and non-binary people. Since I’m not concerned about what pronouns are used for me, and I don’t make it an integral part of my personality, just what is it about some cisgender women that makes them feel so defensive towards genderqueer people, especially AFABs? And why do I feel so adverse to this reaction compared to others?
Sometimes I feel like they want me to shut up. You’re probably thinking that’s just my perspective, and honestly you’re probably right - but my perspective is shaped by them politely (or rudely, at times) telling me to in the past. The most common reaction I’ve received is a nervous glance around the room to check if anyone is listening, then no verbal response. I’m pretty good at compartmentalising this reaction and moving on in the conversation. Once in a hotel room with a group of friends after a festival, I told the group that I identified as non-binary and would like them to use they/them pronouns. No one said a thing except the only woman there, who stated “Right. That’s weird.” The most direct and recent was talking to a friend at a party about how I felt bout my body relating to my gender, in a fairly light way, and they talked a bit about how funny having a dick would be but asked me to “Shhh. People might hear and that’s embarrassing.” I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, but this was pretty hurtful and helped me see the pattern of who exactly says these things to me. Surprisingly, it’s always otherwise very left wing women.
I often wonder if it’s internalised misogyny. A lot of the time when I tell feminine women that I identify closer to masc their brows furrow and they seem unsure what to say. Most of the time I can only assume this is concern that they’ve offended me in the past, or realising that they don’t have a clear idea of who I am as a person. But every so often I have an interaction that makes me wonder if the reaction is anger. I can’t understand what would make them angry, so I (probably naively) put it down to internalised feelings about either transgender people or women. Do I present as ultra-feminine in some ways and not in others so that’s a bit irritating to some?
Eventually I realised it was most likely that: the fact that my identity in some aspects inherently challenges the norms a lot of people have had instilled in their subconscious from a young age. Despite our challenges, I always count myself lucky to have had a mother who has a good understanding of how society can make us feel pressured to be a certain way but that we don’t need to conform to that. She never made me feel like I needed to go into traditionally feminine roles, but fully encouraged me whenever I did. My sister had short hair, cars and lego, whereas I had long hair, dolls and makeup. Generally speaking, I wasn’t raised to take my values and image of self from the wider community - we all have negative social conditioning we need to unlearn, but letting the opinions of people I’ve never met dictate how I express myself wasn’t one of them. I've struggled with this a bit more in intimate relationships when I let high school, but never from the media etc. I genuinely believe it is just the feeling that my gender vs expression feels so contradictory to what was always seen as a “fact’ (the fact being binary gender).
But just like every pattern that plays out in ur lives, we also need to look at the part we play in its cycle. Why have I been so upset by these reactions in the past? Why did I stop talking about being non-binary or trans for so long? I guess because I worry that people’s opinions of me will be followed up with active pressure to align to that perspective. So I preferred to fly under the radar for a long time so I couldn’t be in those triggering situations. But as time goes on, it’s becoming a non-issue in my life.
Yet again, by curiously questioning why my triggers exist, I’ve found myself emotionally moving through the situation and not feeling reactive to it at all. I’ve noticed that when I start exploring a part of me, I may be really sensitive to external experiences surrounding it and think about it fairly consistently for months at a time. While it’s not exactly easy throwing yourself into emotional growth, I’m forever grateful for the space to do it in my life and to express myself through my writing and design.